BREAKING: Florida Man Accidently Attains Enlightenment
The mythical Florida Man is a culturally significant archetype. So many men made headlines with their freakish acts under the name of the so-called "Florida Man." Whether it's a man attacking locals in his meth-induced rage or shouting out slurs at a lemonade stand, it all taints the name of the Florida Man. However, that link now stands broken.
A Florida Man recently attained enlightenment in what he calls "a defiance of the natural order itself." Jared Hendricks, a 33-year-old Florida resident, found himself levitating in his own backyard, fully naked. While most of the locals started crying in an awestruck fashion due to their faith in the cosmos being rebuilt, the other half lamented that Jared's penis was bigger than theirs.
Jared gave an account of what led to his spiritual awakening out of nowhere: "It all started when my collection of Baseball cards was stolen. I was in so much pain that I had to find a way to severe my connection from the suffering. Then I started thinking about something a hippie said to me once while he was going through an acid-induced 'ego death' while I was robotripping. He said that we are all one. That got me thinking, if we are all one, then everyone else's baseball cards are my baseball cards. Technically, I lost something, but in return, gained everything."
Some naysayers naturally came out to question Jared on his radical philosophy. One man who goes by 'Squeaky Tibs' asked him "Hey man, you can't just, like, say that cuz that way everything belongs to everyone. If that be the case, then the dope I been slinging ain't gonna have no buyers, cuz the fiends just finna take it on they own, cuz they be owning everything too."
Mr. Tibs definitely made a valid point from his mouth, that also had bad ammonia breath. However, when Jared said that even his magnum dong belongs to everyone, Mr. Tibs had no recourse, but to yield to the collective will.
Jared is set to kick off his seminars on the nature of collective ownership throughout the U.S. He has prepared a five-part seminar called "Everything Belongs To Everyone, Even When There's No Self." Nobody understands what that really means, but everyone goes along with it because, hell, the man can fly.
Is Jared really enlightened? We don't know. Can he fly? Sure looks like it. Are your baseball cards his baseball cards? Doesn't that technically mean your baseball cards were stolen when his baseball cards were stolen? Eh, that doesn't really interest anyone to be honest. But does everyone have an 8-inch penis? To that, everyone who follows Jared gives out a resounding "YES!"
Written by Nitish Vashishtha
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